DISCLAIMER: Review may contain Spoilers
2ND DISCLAIMER: However, since this film is cinematic trash, such a
spoiler seems to give the illusion that people want to see this. I
assure you, you do not. Oh yeah, spoiler alert! This movie is cinematic
When I first saw the trailer to this film, I rolled my eyes and
shrugged it off. I knew from the get-go I wasn't gonna enjoy this film,
probably because I'm not the biggest fan of Family Pictures. Finally, I
was dragged into this film with my father(I'm a teenager, 17 as of the
writing of my review) and he seemed open minded enough to watch such a
film. I had decided to go in, since we were about to go to Honeywell
and we wished to kill time.
I bring this up because I hopefully wished this film would be just a
waste of time, nothing taken and nothing given. But it surely took
something of mine, and I'm not just talking about 9 Dollars and a
couple of my brain cells.
How bad is it? Well, the movie begins with Kerris Dorsey throwing up in
a bush and ending with male strippers dressed like Outback hunters. And
this is by Disney? Odd, since I never remembered Disney trying this
hard to make an Adam Sandler movie! At least Sandler goes in guns
blazing with his blights on cinema, and one can admit that with each
future attempt, he slowly is grasping the reigns. But here, in
Alexander, almost every bit of Sandler's movies feel like Oscars when
compared to Disney's attempt to clone trash into treasure.
Even Academy Award winning, Oscar-Nominated actor Steve Carell seems
oddly drained of his usual charisma and comedic presence here. In fact,
I believe his role in Hope Springs brought in more laughs. Even sadder,
newcomer actor Edward Oxenbould tries his hardest to keep this train
wreck on track, even giving a surprisingly good effort as one of the
only characters that manage to have a lot going for him. Giving a solid
performance with a talent all his own, which is something that's hard
to come by in young actors. It's too bad he had to sabotage his
filmography early by leading the charge of a film that's only funny
joke comes in the absurdity of a Dick Van Dyke book reading.
The premise of Alexander and the Needlessly Long Title is that
Alexander(Oxenbould) is the second youngest of his perfect family, yet
he always seems to get the bulk of the bad days. The dad(Carell) is
signing up for a Video-Games development team, the mother is selling a
soon to be best-seller book for tykes, the older brother and sister
both have gained respected positions of their school's extra-curricular
activities, and even the baby seems to be near perfect as for babies
concerns(unlike any of my nieces and nephew, to tell you the truth).
All while poor Alexander seems to have the worst lot the days.(despite
the worst thing happening being the burning of his crush's notebook.)
One night before his birthday(which is weird, since wishes usually come
AT your birthday, like in Liar Liar), Little Alex makes a wish that
invokes the wrath of God upon his Brady Bunch family and those who have
wronged him before-hand. The family all over sleeps, the sister ends up
sick, the car is out of juice, and soon the family endures one hell of
a bad day. Even the baby's favorite Binky is destroyed in the garbage
disposal. Oh the humanity!
The film starts to nosedive from this point, where most of the jokes
are based on either bodily functions, references to other Disney films
like Wreck-it Ralph, and quite possibly the most times I've heard the
word for "Male Reproductive Organ" in such a family film. Seriously,
they say it like 9 times, and it just feels awkward as hell. Some
characters are bland, ranging from the surprisingly only funny,
aforementioned Dick Van Dyke and the bland, spoiled rich girl
Cella(Bella Thorne), both of which are only there to pull the story in
motion, despite most of the funnier moments happening with them.
Near the end, Carell tries to right the wrong by ordering "Outback
Cowboys" for Alexander's Australian-themed birthday party(there was a
part of the original book where he wished to move to Australia, and
Oxenfourd himself is from there as well, because here, Alexander is
OBSESSED with Australia.). I secretly knew which direction this movie
would take, and I begged the film not to go there. But, as with the
worst of the worst, it went to said direction, giving us the male
strippers I mentioned earlier. This, now, was the only film I walked
out of before the end credits
I hated this film. And I can't believe how these critics not managed to
put this in the same lines as North, Richie Rich, and Milk Money.
Probably because being mentioned with those travesties would give
Alexander some kind of appeal. Trust me, it is not. It's really not.
All in all, Alexander and the Needlessly Long Title ends up being one
of the worst films, I've personally had the displeasure to see in 2014.
Stay away from this awful film if you can. Don't see this even if you
think you'll like it. I certainly tried, and look what happened then!
Final Result- E Ranking (0.5 stars out of five)