Watching Immortals is like eating a big platter full of candy and sugary sweets. There's plenty to look at and many savoury sweets to indulge in... Only for you to not realize that by the time it's all over and done with, you'll be left with a lingering stomach ache. Which is exactly what is the problem with all types of candy; eye candy or the actual food itself. It's not until you're finished devouring such huge portions of it you realize you've absorbed absolutely nothing.
I have nothing at all against Tarsem Singh, an amazingly talented and visionary director. I loved The Cell, even though it was a bit mind-screwy (though as soon as it's done, you realize what was real and what was not). Every shot in that film was to die for, starting with the opening frame of Dead Vlei. The Fall was a movie that I managed to stumble upon by accident on IMDb. I watched the trailer and quickly decided "I must see this!". Soon after I rented the DVD, watched it, and thought "holy crap, that was amazing."
So as you may or may not be able to tell, I went into Immortals solely due to Singh's namesake, and the one thing that entered my mind as soon as his name appeared over the closing credits was "did someone hold a gun to his head and force him to direct this boring 'movie'?"
It really is a shame. I love Greek mythology, and I thought Singh would be able to carry a Greek mythology themed film well. Let's say he did well with the visuals part; his trademark visual brilliance is all over this film. Every single frame of the movie is a work of art in itself. That said, the script is so agonizingly slow, boring and disgustingly patronizing.
Sure there's a lot of holes in the mythos- Theseus being a bastard, the sacred bow, etc. But those are the least of the films problems. The story and sequence of events plays as if it were adapted from a gore-obsessed 10 year old's paper on Greek mythology. One particularly insulting plot hole comes from the bow- when Theseus buries his dead mother in the cave, we are to assume the bow chose him and deemed him worthy of using the bow itself- yet Hyperion can use it without problem?!
The acting is insultingly awful. Cavill seems to think that just standing there and looking handsome and what not is acting. And while he is indeed a handsome fellow, he fits the role of Theseus in looks only. He barely emotes throughout the film, and even the one scene (where he watches his mother get killed) isn't enough to redeem his boring performance. Freida Pinto does an alright job though her performance wasn't nothing we saw in Slumdog Millionaire or Rise of the Planet of the Apes. And I have a gigantic man crush on Mickey Rourke, but he was just hilariously bad. He rehashed his performances from Iron Man 2 and Sin City, and the result was not good.
The film plods along at a snail's pace. We get a handful of action, and all are very short. Even the battle scene at the end was boring as frack. The slow, sedated pace wouldn't be such a problem if the dialogue weren't so awful. The dialogue sounds like an immature 14 year old wrote it, and I wouldn't be surprised if one did. The exploding heads scene was awesome, but that was it.
In short, guys will go see Immortals for the battle sequences and gods fracking stuff up, and girls will go see it for the guys walking around, letting their abs/muscles be the center of attention, neither of which being anything they wouldn't get from viewing the IMDb publicity stills for the movie- something they can do for free. Well, girls, if your boyfriend takes you to this movie, swiftly pull him aside and tell him "maybe you and me being together just isn't working out for either of us...". Guys, if your group of buddies drags you to this movie, immediately cut all ties with them and inform them that they're idiots.
And to the writers, your scripts are more suited for no-talent hacks like Michael Bay or Terrance Malick. Have you seen either of Singh's previous 2 films? That guy has a wicked imagination. Let him use it on worthy scripts.
THE GOOD: It looks pretty. There's exploding heads and Mickey Rourke. And Freida Pinto naked.
THE BAD: ...everything else.
Action / Drama / Fantasy / Romance
Action / Drama / Fantasy / Romance
Eons after the Gods won their mythic struggle against the Titans, a new evil threatens the land. Mad with power, King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) has declared war against humanity. Amassing a bloodthirsty army of soldiers disfigured by his own hand, Hyperion has scorched Greece in search of the legendary Epirus Bow, a weapon of unimaginable power forged in the heavens by Ares. Only he who possesses this bow can unleash the Titans, who have been imprisoned deep within the walls of Mount Tartaros since the dawn of time and thirst for revenge. In the king's hands, the bow would rain destruction upon mankind and annihilate the Gods. But ancient law dictates the Gods must not intervene in man's conflict. They remain powerless to stop Hyperion...until a peasant named Theseus (Henry Cavill) comes forth as their only hope. Secretly chosen by Zeus, Theseus must save his people from Hyperion and his hordes. Rallying a band of fellow outsiders - including visionary priestess Phaedra (Freida Pinto) ...
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February 17, 2012 at 08:18 PM