Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Night Train To Terror; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.75 Direction: 0.50 Pace: 0.75 Acting: 1.00 Enjoyment: 0.75

TOTAL: 3.75 out of 10.00.

There are two good elements to Night Train To Terror - One: The Video Cover. Two: The last few seconds of the end credits when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and escape is near. But what surprises me most is that the damned film still makes it onto the steaming and terrestrial services. I believe it's on Amazon now, and a couple of years ago, I think I spotted it on Channel 5. You guys and gals know there are supremely better flicks you're failing to air for your audiences. I would be amazed if any appreciated you giving them this mess of a movie.

Philip Yordan penned the screenplay for this trilogy of short stories. And while each is terrible, the last tale is the best. Story one is about an asylum who's found a novel way to earn extra cash. Sell the body parts. So what happens when you run out of inmates? Easy; you brainwash a stranger to grab some lovely ladies for you to chop up. Sadly, what should've been a nicely terrifying story becomes nothing more than a way to get boobies onto your screens. And the story becomes more nonexistent with every bosom revealed: It becomes a case of Thanks For The Mammaries (sorry, I couldn't resist - because we all know resistance is futile). However, in the poorly scribed tale, the lunatics appear to have taken over the asylum. But their insanity could just be reflections of the dire dialogue Yordan has them speak. The second story introduces us to a loving couple who, to ease the boredom of being together, join a Death Club. The club members take turns to devise a bizarre demise, which will kill at least one member. Sadly, it's the poor writing and dialogue that once again hinders the power of this tale. Handled correctly, it possessed all the elements for it to engage the viewer. Unfortunately, it's merely a dull dross. Whereas with story number three, Yordan appears to have taken a creative writing course or three. The story of a never-ageing Nazi is intriguing and a tad complex compared to the previous tales. These convolutions make it the most enjoyable watch of the compilation. And had it been merely about the three stories, the scores may have been different. However, Yordan binds the three tales with God and Satan, vying for their souls. I can see what he's trying to accomplish, but it doesn't work because he's forgotten about the logic of their process. Example: In story one, beautiful girls get slaughtered for spare parts. I'd guess that not all the topless beauties are without sin. But we never hear a peep about their souls. So what makes the chosen soul so special? So these little segues have holes of their own. And let's not forget about the breakdancing rock band that plays pop music and only knows one tune. WTF? So, terrible characterisations, poor structuring, horrid dialogue, and unrealistic and unbelievable situations. Well, let's hope the directors are better.

Sorry! They're not. In fact, they make the story segments worse. Not one of them knew how to handle the pacing. John Carr, who directed the first two, even uses some awful stock footage - in a different aspect ratio. The guy couldn't crop it to the correct sizing - he merely spliced it in. I'll say this for the directors of the third segment, Philip Marshack and Tom McGowan, they attempted to make the extended story more engaging. They employed better lighting and colour techniques. And there are a few nicely composed shots, especially the villains' last walk down the hospital's corridors. However, they still suffer from too mundane a pace. This story deserved more excitement and tension in its atmosphere. Another disappointment came from the special effects. Though there's one decently filmed electrocution showing a bloke who's frying tonight, there are also two monstrously obnoxious stop-motion sequences. One shows a flying bug, and the other gives us a lousy rendition of a demon in hell. Both bug and demon are poorly constructed. They would've done better handing out plasticine to a group of kindergarteners and then used their creations. As for the stop-motion itself, well, the FX people are not Harryhausen. These are some of the most unrealistic animations you'll see. It looks as though they got bored and reduced the number of frames for each movement.

The acting between the stories varies immensely. The psycho's selling body parts is the worst. Even Richard Moll does little to save this travesty, though he's a lot better in the Immortal Nazi story. Luckily for the audience, the performers in the death club are average, which helps to level out the story a tad. Though, it is a case of saving the best for last. Not only was the story and its direction better than the previous tales, but the Immortal Nazi also offered a stronger cast.

Had the first two tales been as well written, filmed, and acted as the third, I'd recommend Night Train to Terror for one watch - had you completed your watchlist. However, they're not that good, and then you have that damned band and their dancers. All of which drops the movie into the 1-2-Miss pile.

Tickets Please; Tickets Please. Next stop, Hell and Damnation. Half an hour before Hell and Damnation: So you have time to read my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror and The Final Frontier to see where I rated Night Train To Terror before we pull into your final terminus, where you and the train will terminate.

Take Care & Stay Well.

The structure and intelligence-level of this hopeless little gem is so dumb it almost becomes legendary. Here we have God and Satan themselves sitting in train, discussing whether a few bizarre characters belong in hell… or in heaven. This aspect provides the film with the most bizarre wraparound story ever used in a horror anthology. You could say it's very original and creative (and in a way, it IS) but, due to the amateurish and silly style used here, it becomes unintentionally hilarious and pathetic. But you can't really claim that the creators of Night Train haven't got a sense of humor…God is credited as ‘himself' and a guy named as Lu Cifer supposedly plays Satan. Hahahahaha… nice try!

The separate stories surely have potential! Which isn't that surprising because they're actually edited from full-length movies! Completely ignored 80's quickies like `Death wish Club' and `Cataclysm' that never received any recognition. Especially the first two short stories are enjoyable (and very gore) but the final episode more or less ruins the whole film. That last one is twice as long (or at least, it felt like it was) and it's utterly boring and uninspired. Try to look at this film as a perfect example of bad acting and – most of all – as a filthy piece of 80's trash! The make-up and shlock effects are truly nasty and gruesome (we see people getting slashed their heads off and sliced apart with a bone saw) and the creature-effects (like the beetle in `Death Wish Club) give a whole new meaning to the word `cheese-fest'. Very fun…without any other values what so ever.

This film rightly deserves one out of ten stars, but in terms of entertainment it rates ten out of ten. I enjoyed every minute of it, but as a film it is just not good. Typically with anthologies, stories are adapted and filmed specifically for the anthology. With "Night Train to Terror," existing movies were edited (I use that word very loosely in the case of at least one of these stories) and then tied together by a new wrap-around story. The result is an incredibly fun, though entirely preposterous product. From the very beginning, with the all-singing, all-dancing revelers aboard the night train, I was rolling on the floor in conniptions. It was nearly impossible to take any of this seriously, though the final story involving a Nazi Svengali seemed downright poignant compared to the preceding insanity. The first story, "The Case of Harry Billings," was edited so poorly that almost none of it made sense. Alas, that only seemed to add to my enjoyment of it. The narration of the first segment also ripened this cheese to pure stinky perfection. One could not ask for more! Avoid at all costs if you are looking for family entertainment or anything resembling a good, serious film.