Where is Cecil B. De Mille when you need him? It ought not to be possible to make a dull movie out of the story of Noah and the Ark, but Darren Aronofsky has managed to do just that. This leaden, plodding epic is a real dog's breakfast. The script is unremittingly grim, the music relentlessly dour.

The Bible tells us that "God spake unto Noah"; He spoke very vividly to Charlton Heston in De Mille's THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. In this version God has a non-speaking role; Noah (Russell Crowe) gets his orders via visions of a drowning world and the appearance of miracles. The Bible mentions that there were "giants" in the world at the time; this version recreates them as a cross between today's Transformers and the Golem monsters of Hebrew folklore - they do most of the labouring jobs and also fight off the Wicked People who, despite being armed with some very medieval weapons, are destined to perish in the Flood..

Taking further liberties with The Book, the writer/director gives Noah's three sons only one wife between them, which makes for an eyebrow-raising Mystery about how the post-Flood world is going to be repopulated. One of the sons of Noah is called Ham, although ham could also be the word that applies to Ray Winstone's performance as the leader of the Wicked People, unnamed in the Bible and here given a role to rival Noah's. Russell Crowe is a commandingly stern presence, a believable if unlikeable patriarch. Jennifer Connelly looks very modern as Mrs Noah, and their sons, like the Giants and the Wicked People, seem to belong more to Middle Earth than to the time before Abraham. Anthony Hopkins has a thankless cameo as Methuselah, Noah's grandpa, here gifted with miraculous powers to rival God's.

God is not called God in this version; He's called The Creator - perhaps in a nod to the Creationists in America's Bible Belt. But when Noah recounts the story of Creation to his family, the accompanying flashback looks more than a little Evolutionary. Trying not to offend people of different faiths, Aronofsky has probably managed to offend them all. GLADIATOR was a thrilling revamp of themes from BEN HUR. This revamp of the many takes on the story of the Ark, despite the addition of Giants and Ray Winstone and state-of-the-art CGI, is anything but thrilling.

Noah (2014): Dir: Darren Aronofsky / Cast: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson, Ray Winstone: Perhaps the worst excuse for a Biblical movie ever made. Darren Aronofsky has directed such great visual films as Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan but here he presents a pathetic charade that barely scratches the surface on the account in Genesis where Noah is given visions from God to build an ark for he and his family as well as two of every animal because God was set to destroy the earth via flood due to man's rebellious nature. We have giant rock creatures that were apparently fallen angels. We have rebellious attitudes from Noah's son Ham in regards to mating, which goes against the fact that Genesis states that Noah's children were on board with their wives. Russell Crowe plays Noah as a barbaric nut case who battles enemies including an ark stowaway that results in a brutal fight. Jennifer Connelly plays his wife. Anthony Hopkins is totally over the top as Noah's father who lives in the mountains. Emma Watson plays a young female found who could not bare children and is touched by Hopkins and given the ability. Then she bangs one of Noah's sons and has twins, which Noah nearly daggers. Finally we have a useless appearance by Ray Winstone as the film's villain. He apparently stows away and gets into a fist fight with Noah. Christians are at opposites ends with this film and despite it getting some folks looking at scripture for themselves, it doesn't change the fact that the story is moderated to action, violence, and a visual world that doesn't fit. This film should be flushed down a toilet. Score: 1 / 10

Well this is the absolute proof that even with good actors you can make one of the worst movies of all time. Beyond the scenario that makes absolutely no logical or scenaristic sense (let alone any consistency about the underlying world in which this story is supposed to happen), this is overacted, the characters have no depth nor any kind of personality whatsoever. On top of that the colours and the lights are badly done.

This is absolute crap of a movie that does not deserve any minute of anyone's time. Pass this movie and go see anything else out there, as anything else will bring you either a smile or a feeling, which this movie don;t provide.

How to waste 100m budget...