Set 41 years after a cataclysmic event that left much of the planet a barren wasteland, the remaining water is now under the control of the totalitarian Eco Protectorate. The Protectorate runs several "Orphanages" where wasteland youth are held and educated to obey. A group of children, known by the sports team name, Solarbabies, find a glowing orb named Bohdi who can not only speak but has powers that seem mystical in nature. After Bohdi is taken the Solarbabies take it upon themselves to rescue Bohdi before it can be destroyed by the Protectorate.

The making of Solarbabies is far more interesting than the movie that resulted from it. The brainchild of Douglas Anthony Metrov, Metrov's intention was to emulate the "guerilla film making" style of his friend Abel Ferrara. Originally intended to be a low budget film about children in a post apocalyptic world (described by Metrov as "Little Rascals in the future") the movie gained the attention of Mel Brooks as a potential producing project for his company Brooksfilm. Brooks was eventually convinced to invest more money in the project because of supposed blockbuster potential of the film (yes seriously) and the budget balloon from $5 Million to $20 Million with Metrov being kicked off the project and replaced with Alan Johnson which compounded with bad weather, on set tensions, and general ineptitude led to expensive reshoots, unusable footage, and drove brooks just short of bankruptcy that was only averted by selling the film at a loss to MGM and healthy profits from Brooksfilms other sci-fi film of the year, the David Cronenberg directed re-imagining of The Fly. While the story behind Solarbabies is tumultuous and rich in drama, the movie itself is a boring, confusing, derivative mess that can't even be enjoyed in a "so bad it's good way"

From the get go the movie makes absolutely no sense. The movie supposedly takes place in a world of extreme water scarcity which has lead to a breakdown in civilization save for the Eco Protectorate which managed to establish power by establishing bunkers for the water that is then rationed out in exchange for allegiance and obedience. The protectorate is filled with soldiers called E-Cops who are laser gun wielding henchman complete with lousy aim who wouldn't feel out of place in Star Wars or more fittingly Spaceballs. Outside the Protectorate however is a world of roving marauders who wear tattered rags, dress like Native American tribes, or dress like Bedouin Arabs and there's no rhyme or reason to this world.

The story doesn't fare much better. The Orb Bohdi is basically E.T. if you took away the personality and movement of E.T. and instead replaced it with a glowing volleyball. Bohdi can't speak except for barely audible giggles and chirps, and despite having powers to cure deafness and bring about indoor rainstorms Bohdi spends most of the movie doing absolutely nothing aside from being carried from place to place with no clearly defined end point or objective. The plot is a flabby shapeless mass where characters don't have clear motivation, characters have no clear reason for existing, and actions in one scene don't carry over to another. Sometimes a scene doesn't even know how to transition to another, in the midpoint of the movie where Bohdi is stolen, there's no scene where the characters find out it's been stolen but there is a scene where they discuss one of their group has gone after Bohdi. It's a frustrating movie from beginning to end because the story has no engine driving it nor a goal to which it's approaching.

The acting is at least decent even if the characterization is flat and nonsensical. Adrian Pasdar, Jason Patric, Richard Jordan, and Jami Gertz all give energized performances and have decent charisma. Lucas Haas unfortunately isn't so lucky. Throughout the movie Haas maintains a near constant look and feel of "wide eyed whimsy" that makes him one note and somewhat grating. I don't blame Haas for this as he is a good actor (see the criminally underrated ghost story Lady in White for proof) and it's clear that bad direction/writing is most likely to blame.

Solarbabies is an absolute mess of a movie. It shamelessly borrows from Mad Max, E.T., Star Wars, and pretty much every Sci-Fi/Blockbuster film of the 10 years that preceded it and has no idea how to make them engaging. The plot has no drive, the characters are flat, and is simultaneously boring and headscratchingly confusing. It's just a stupid, stupid movie that tries to ape contemporary blockbuster trends without having any idea how they're supposed to work.

The year is 41. In a dystopian future, water is scarce and the Protectorate controls everything. Legend says that the Bohdai will come from space to liberate the people and the water. Orphanage 43 borders on the wasteland. A game that is both lacrosse and roller derby is played. Jason (Jason Patric) leads his rag tag group Solarbabies that includes Terra (Jami Gertz), Tug ( Peter DeLuise), Rabbit (Claude Brooks), Metron (James LeGros) and deaf boy Daniel (Lukas Haas). Strictor Grock (Richard Jordan) runs the lead group Scorpions and gives them all the privileges. The Warden (Charles Durning) is more practical and would rather not run the camp as a prison. Shandray (Sarah Douglas) is one of the teacher. Daniel finds a glowing orb in a cave which fixes his hearing. The orb communicates with Daniel calling itself Bohdai.

It's a young adult dystopian movie before it became a trend. The problem is the overwhelming sense of cheesiness. It starts with the stupid name Solarbabies. I don't know where it comes from but it needed to stay there. The game is reminiscent of all the silly movie 'Roller' games that was so popular in 70s B-movie. This movie is full of bad smelly cheese. It's only salvation is the cast of good young actors and the bare bones of a better story underneath. It could probably be remade after a lot of rewrites.

There was a time, like probably 1986, where end of the world movies and rollerskating movies crossed paths to make one film. Mel Brooks was involved. And it went nowhere in our reality, but if we are to believe the theory of multiple Earths each with their own divergent timelines, there is one version of life where Solarbabies was a Star Wars sized hit and there would be a whole new slate of Italian ripoffs of end of the world rollerskating movies and not just the Roller Blade movies that Donald Jackson unleashed on an uncaring planetoid.

There's no water in the future and there are orphanages and there's a game that's kind of like rugby on skates. A team of orphans - Jason (Jason Patric), Terra (Jami Gertz), Rabbit (Claude Brooks), Metron (James LeGros), Tug (Peter DeLuise) and Daniel (Lukas Haas) - have bonded over this game and when Daniel finds a glowing orb that might be the key to everyone having enough water, this family unit has to seek it out.

That's because another orphan named Darstar (Adrian Pasdar) has stolen it and taken off for the desert with the Eco Protectorate e-Police in hot pursuit. Oh yeah - that orb is also called the Bodhi and is part of an alien who the government also wants to capture.

This movie leaves me with so many questions, like why did talented people like Charles Durning, Sarah Douglas and Alexei Sayle from The Young Ones end up in it? How do rollerskates work in the desert? How amazing is it that Mel Brooks lost $9 million dollars of his own money on this and had to fly out to the set to threaten to fire everyone when the cast fought with director Alan Johnson, who up until then was a choreographer and only directed one other movie, Brooks' To Be Or Not to Be? Can you believe that this movie was delayed for weeks because of rain, even though it was lensed in a Spanish desert? And how absolutely wild is it that it has a theme song by Smokey Robinson, "Love Will Set You Free" that directly quotes Jesus throughout*?

Bad gut Grock - great name - was played by Richard Jordan, who had to have been sick of being in desert movies that bombed after this and Dune.

And you know, I loved this when it came out. I was that lone kid when Patric and Gertz got hot in The Lost Boys that kept saying, "But have you seen Solarbabies?"

*To be fair, every character in this movie is named for some religious figure and the Bodhi is at one point literally called the sphere of Longinus, which is a direct tie to the Spear of Destiny that pierced the side of Jesus and ended his life after being crucified.