First of all, I feel sorry for anyone who can't watch this movie and
enjoy it. Anyone who rents a Seagal DTV flick and expects it to be good
is either a glutton for punishment or has taken far too many drugs.
Look, if you've seen one of them, you do realize they're all going to
be roughly the same, right? It always amazes me when people post
reviews that contain the following words: "Too many overdubs, Seagal is
fat, the special effects are tacky." Alright...everyone...all together
now...WE KNOW! Thanks.
Okay, now that I got that out of the way, let's face it. Seagal kicks
ass. It is now time to introduce everyone to my concept of
"bad-ass-itude". Seagal has it. In fact, his level of bad-ass-itude is
directly proportional to his weight and the length of his curiously
frizzy mullet. Whether we're talking about his major releases or his
wonderfully awful DTVs, the man kicks ass. When I watch a Seagal film,
I laugh at the awful parts, and cheer when he beats the crap out of
someone. It's kind of like watching an 80s hair band, in 2005. Yeah,
they're all fat and old now, but they still rock. And if you don't
understand the Way in which Seagal rules, then you have no business
renting his movies.
Submerged is actually pretty good. In fact, relative to his last few,
Submerged is an early Oscar contender. The movie is actually quite
stylish, for the budget. They do a good job of "teching" up the
transitions (kind of like a low budget Enemy of the State or something
of that nature). The jump-cuts and slow-mos aren't nearly as ridiculous
as they have been in his previous movies. I think its really funny that
we Seagal fans can actually have a discussion about the overdubs in
THIS movie and the gratuitous use of superimposed text in THAT movie.
It's like a genre of ridiculosity in and of itself.
Anyway, there are some truly brutal moments in this film. Seagal,
though he doesn't have a lot of fight scenes, manages to beat down
quite a few people. Yes, he's fat, but he could still waste about 99%
of the people on this earth. As a person who has dabbled in the martial
arts, his moves are somewhat more exciting to me than they may be for
many of the "movie critics" on this page. Even though he's old and fat,
he's still got it.
Has anyone else noticed that Seagal thinks he's black? That's always
entertaining to me. I'm too lazy to check up on which one it is, but
this reminds me of the movie in which he uttered the phrase "Ya ain't
nothing' but a trailah park bitch." I don't know why he does this, but
I'm sure glad he does. Anyway, he does it in this movie as well.
The only Seagal trademark this movie is missing is the completely
unnecessary gratuitous boob-shot, but that can be forgiven. I was also
slightly disappointed that there weren't any sea mutants, but
hey...they can't all be winners. The plot was pretty good though, not
very original, but entertaining. It was a little confusing at times,
but then again there's no real point in analyzing the plot to a Seagal
movie. These movies are vehicles for violence. In fact, all the movies
are pretty much the same. Seagal is always a mercenary, ex-CIA,
ex-Special Ops, ex-Navy Seal, history professor who's (*insert family
member or wife here*) has been kidnapped by evil terrorists. He has
issues with his superiors, has a terrible mullet, pretends he's a race
other than his own, gains 15 pounds from the first frame to the last,
and kills people. If you expect anything else (or more) from these
movies, you are an idiot. So stop seeing them and leave us fans alone.
These are as funny as they are awesome, and if you don't get that, then
you don't understand bad-ass-itude.
"Ya ain't nothing' but a trailah park bitch."