Nothing like a film to make one feel old and cynical. Cary Ford (Martin Henderson) is a cliche Hollywood biker without a mark on his face and all his teeth, even though he fights 2 guys in every scene. All the biker chicks have hard bodies, a thin waist, and temporary tattoos. Cary was on the lam for six months in Asia, hiding out from the law and other bikers who want to kill him. He returns to the states and decides to visit his old haunts and hang out where they can easily find him, as if there is only one biker bar in the world.

With Ice Cube in the film, the acting is taken down a notch as he pretends he is a Mr. T tough guy. Monet Mazur plays the eye candy girlfriend. Cary tries to prove his innocence. Plenty of bike scenes with afterburners, cars with 5-6 overdrive gears, vehicles that bump on the highway that don't get damaged, bikes that get laid down and never get scratched. . . all to a soundtrack that makes you long for Miami Vice.

I have outgrown these types of films, especially when there is nothing about the film to grab me and hold my interest. This has all the glitz of a kids movie.

Parental Guide: Adult language, N-word, no sex, no nudity.

I realize that this is one of those man movies that was never meant to make any sense and whose target demographic is fourteen-year-old boys. However, my canary in the coal mine in these situations is my husband. If he finds one of these films unwatchable, then it truly is bad, and not just so bad it is good. This was the case with "Torque". I tried to appreciate the stunts and the occasional humor that did work such as the truck from "Duel" still chasing Dennis Weaver after all these years, but it just can't compensate for a lame plot and dialogue that sounds like it was written by the reincarnation of Ed Wood. I think a somewhat rearranged quote from "Billy Madison", another silly man's movie that I actually enjoy if I'm in the mood for it, is most appropriate at this point: "At no point in your rambling, incoherent (movie) were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having (watched) it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

A lot of people think that I love the "Charlie's Angels" movies because I think they're "so bad, they're good", when that's actually not true. On the contrary, I think they are pretty smart (especially in the precise way they constantly reference pop culture in clever and heartfelt ways). And yes, they are totally silly and unrealistic and goofy, but what I like about that is that it's completely intentional (which is what most people don't get, and is so obvious to me).

"Torque", on the other hand, is a perfect example of a movie that is TRULY so bad, it's good. Or at least enjoyable in a surreal, lunatic sort of way. This movie seriously doesn't have a brain in its head.

In every sense a B-movie, it most resembles those gleefully exploitive, low-budget movies that Roger Corman and Russ Meyer made decades ago, where biker gangs did battle with their switchblade-toting girlfriends at their side. And it's every bit as silly as it sounds, which could be either good news or bad news for you, depending on what kind of filmgoer you are.

Personally, I knew it was crap the whole time, but still had a blast watching it. The story is ridiculous and the dialogue is ludicrous (these characters exist in a world where when a girl says "Nice bike", the guy says "Nice a**" and she LIKES it). But I cannot fully resist a movie in which two improbably beautiful biker chicks stare each other down on their bikes in a photogenic, deserted alleyway (both of them in front of huge product logos, for extra giggles), one of them yells "Bring it on, b****!", the other whips out a switchblade, and then they charge! As a classic B-movie enthusiast, I offer no apologies for having fun watching a scene like that.

It's really not all bad, either. Martin Henderson and Monet Mazur have some genuinely nice and tender scenes together, and the great, color-conscious cinematography makes everything look so shiny you could eat off the screen. Jamie Pressly is an absolute hoot as the evil biker chick, and Adam Scott scores some laughs as a conceited F.B.I. agent.

Also, several of the action scenes are pretty amazing, once you get over the idea that this movie is obviously not taking place on planet Earth, but rather some video game universe or a 12 year-old's dream.

I wish Ice Cube was off doing the kinds of good movies he used to make (like "Three Kings", the original "Friday", "Boyz N The Hood", "Higher Learning", "Ghosts Of Mars"...), but he contributes some laughs as one of the heavies here. I do wish he had changed his expression at least once, though. You know the one where he grits his teeth and curls his upper lip so that he look like he hates your guts and steam is about to come out of his ears? That's the one that he has throughout the entire movie.

Basically, I'm not gonna fight for this movie or anything, I realize it's of essentially no value. I'll just say that it made it easy for me to shut off my brain and I enjoyed it, and maybe you will too. I give "Torque" 3 stars the same way I would give "Switchblade Sisters" 3 stars. They're awful and cheesy, but a hell of a lot of fun, and that counts for something, doesn't it?